‘HA!’ a voice in the corner of his brain yelled. ‘What a crock! You
know damn well why you haven’t gotten any sleep.
Because all you do is think about Jim. Naked.’
He sighed. The image of his best friend, wearing nothing but a smile, invaded his tired mind before he could stop it.
"Stop it, Sandburg. You can’t think of him that way." He muttered out loud. The older man wasn’t home so Blair figured
he was safe to play a verbal game of "Devils advocate" with himself. Sometimes it was easier to argue with yourself
when you had the benefit of listening to yourself verbalizing the exchange. /What the Hell. Might as well give it a shot./
"Okay so why is it that I can’t think along these lines about Jim?"
He asked himself. "For starters, he’s my best friend.
And then we have the fact that he is a guy. Not that I really have a problem with that. But I am pretty sure that he
would have a serious problem with the fact that his Male partner has the hots for him. And excuse my sense of
self-preservation, but I like my living arrangements as they are now. I’d just as soon not have to find a different
place to live just because I couldn’t keep my hormones under control. I mean I doubt he’s going to let me stay here
forever, but as long as I don’t do anything to piss him off like say ‘Hey big guy, wanna fuck?’" He buried his hands
in his hair and shook his head. "Who the hell am I kidding? This has nothing to do with Sex. Well, okay, not much
anyway. I love him. That’s it. Yeah. I love Jim Ellison. Insanely. Passionately. The fact that he looks like a Greek
god is secondary. No, really. I am in love with the most stubborn, straight-laced, macho, gorgeous man with the
bluest eyes in the known universe…"
He stopped and thought about what he had just said. This was the first
time he had actually given those thoughts enough
credence to speak them aloud brought tears to his eyes.
"How the hell am I supposed to deal with this?"
Jim was in shock. Blair loved him? Since when? And why did that not
bother him? Jim closed his eyes and
replayed the past 6 hours in his mind. He had gotten a mysterious headache not to long after Blair had
left the station. At first he had tried to work through it but when that didn’t work, Simon had sent him home.
The problem with that was, by that time, Jim’s head was throbbing so badly that he had trouble walking let alone driving.
For some reason he had been unable to turn down the pain. He had meant to call Blair and see what he thought, but then
he decided that he should try and sleep off the headache. So he ended up calling a cab. When he walked in the door of the
loft, he headed straight for his bed upstairs, keys still in hand. He didn’t even realize that that’s where they were until
after he was upstairs and by then the last thing he wanted to do was try and manage going down the stairs just to put
his keys away. That was the last thing he remembered until he heard Blair’s keys hit the basket downstairs. He hadn’t
called down to his roommate for the simple fact that he was hoping that Blair would leave again without making too much
racket, so he could go to sleep again. But then Blair had started mumbling to himself and Jim had been worried enough to
turn up his hearing to make sure all was okay. He was beyond surprised to find himself the topic of conversation. When
he heard the ‘wanna fuck’ comment two thoughts jumped into his mind. "What the hell?" and "Actually, Blair, YES, I do!"
He heard Blair get up off the couch and head toward the bathroom. When had his feelings for Blair changed? He wondered.
And was this just sex for him? No it wasn’t about sex. Although the thought of Blair writhing underneath him, completely
naked, his eyes filled with passion… Jim opened his eyes and blinked. Was it his imagination working overtime or had the
temperature in the room gotten warmer. He looked down and saw that he was rock hard. Well that, most definitely, was
not his imagination. But that aside, what DID he feel towards his Guide?
"Well, his IS my best friend. And I trust him
with my life. And then some. He makes me feel secure. He makes me feel calm. He makes me feel… loved. Whoa, Ellison,
where did that come from?" He sighed and closed his eyes and repeated Blair’s earlier question.
"How the hell am I supposed to deal with this?"
Blair rolled over. It was going to be another one of those nights. He
already knew that he wouldn't be getting any
sleep. He had hoped that the bath he had taken earlier would relax him enough to sleep.
"No such luck, Sandburg." That damn voice was back again. He opened
There had to be something that he could do. He couldn't just NOT sleep. He thought about his options.
"Well, lets see. I can live my life here in the loft, just a breath
away form the man that I love,
with a permanent hard-on. Or I can just do my best to forget and find myself a nice woman to have lots of wild
sex with… Oh who the hell am I kidding? Been there, done that, ain’t working. But if I tell him… Shit, what if he can't deal with
it and decides to kick me out? What if he never wanted to see me again? Could I deal with that? Maybe I should
just move out. That way I wouldn't have to be in constant contact with Jim but I would still have his friendship. Can I do that?"
Upstairs, Jim felt fear grip his gut. Blair couldn't leave him! What
would he do if his Guide left him? He tried to think of what his
life would be like without Blair in it. He had a flash of himself standing the middle of a desert, alone and dying. He knew then that he
had to do something. He listened for the sound of Blair’s heartbeat.
What he heard instead tore at his heart.
Blair couldn't help himself. He had gone through all the options that
he could think of. The only one that seemed viable was the one
that caused him the most pain. He had to leave. He felt the tears spill over the edge of his eyes.
He was crying? Blair was crying because of him. Jim felt the tears well
up in his own eyes. He realized that he had to do something, had
to let Blair know how much he meant to him. Had to tell him… tell him that he loved him. More then his own life. He got up and slowly walked
down the stairs, determined to do whatever was need to keep the other half of his soul intact. He placed his hand on the doorknob and
quietly opened it. Blair was on his side, curled up in a tight ball, shoulders shaking. This was his fault. It was his job to protect the
Guide and he had failed. The only thing left for him to do was to try and repair the damage he had caused.
Blair was kicking himself. He couldn't believe his arrogance and stupidity. How was Jim supposed to deal with his senses without him
there to guide him? It was his job to watch the Sentinel's back and because of his own weakness he wouldn't be able to do that. He had
failed. The thought of failure brought an even more intense heartache.
He had failed.
Jim looked at the back of his friend. How could he help him? Without
consciously being aware of it, he walked over to the bed
and laid down, gathering the smaller man in his arms.
Blair was so focused on his own pain that he didn't notice that he was
no longer alone on the bed. He had never felt this empty and
alone. And ashamed. Not because he loved Jim, but because that love would be responsible for Jim to be alone.
At some point, Blair realized that he wasn't alone. He felt himself wrapped in a strong, warm embrace, with his back against a warm wall of
granite. He felt a heartbeat tattooing a reassuring rhythm against him and a warm breath on his neck. He couldn't bring himself to question
this right now. He leaned back and let the living wall comfort him.
Jim felt the tension drain away from the younger man. He stayed there, holding him, breathing in the scent of his hair, tickling his
nose. He felt a smile creep on his lips. The scent of herbs and musk and cinnamon and *Blair*. It was enough to lose himself in, but he knew
that that wouldn't help his Guide. All he could do was hold him.
Blair opened his eyes and his first thought was "my god, I actually slept." The excitement of that thought wore off and he realized he
"You okay, Chief?"
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm holding you. Are you okay with that?"
"Uh... I guess so. Why?"
"Why am I asking, or why am I holding you."
"Either or. All of the above. I didn't even know you were home. Your truck isn't here."
"I had to take a cab home."
Blair shifted so he was facing Jim, who hadn't let go. Blair went into full-blown Guide mode.
"Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"I don't know. And yes I'm okay. As long as you don't leave me."
The younger man lowered his eyes. "Why would you say that?"
Jim tucked a finger under Blair's chin and raised his face so he could look into his eyes. "Chief, I've been home all evening."
A look of shock came over the face of Blair. Jim had been home all evening? Oh god, then he must have heard....
"I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't mean to put you in this kind of situation. I'll leave in the morning.."
"Blair!" Jim tried interrupting the younger man, who looked as though
his world was caving in around him. Blair just kept on rambling
on about leaving and each time he said that it was like a knife twisting in Jim's gut. Finally, out of desperation, he covered the moving lips
with his own.
Blair didn't know what surprised him more, the fact that he couldn't
talk or that Jim was kissing him. Of course, he didn't spend a whole
lot of time thinking about the whole thing. He began kissing Jim back. They clung to each other until they almost passed out from lack of oxygen.
Blair pulled away and looked at Jim.
"Jim, what's going on here?"
"I'm trying to convince you to stay."
"You could have just asked."
"But you wouldn't have told me how you felt. And then I would never had the courage to tell you how I feel."
"And how is that?" Blair asked, almost afraid of what the answer might be.
Jim smiled. "You know Chief, for such a smart guy, you can be really dense sometimes."
"Can't you tell?"
"I am in love with you, you silly ass."
"You're... in love with me?"
"Is there an echo here? Yes, Blair Sandburg, I am in love with you. Now what do you think of that?"
"I think...." Blair didn't bother finishing his thought. He just launched himself at Jim. Jim. Jim loved him. Jim wanted him to stay.
He really hoped that if this was a dream that he never woke up.
Jim felt himself drowning in the taste of Blair. He couldn't get
enough of it. It was like a drug that he had gotten himself addicted to and was powerless to stop the cravings. He pulled the younger man as
close as possible and began running his fingers down his arms. Blair shivered from the touch, and broke the kiss to nuzzle at Jim's throat,
nipping lightly then kissing the nips.
"Oh god, Chief. What are you doing to me?" he moaned.
Blair looked up with an impudent grin. "I want to taste you. Inch by
inch. That way if I am dreaming this, at least it will the best damn
dream I have ever had." He lowered himself and began licking Jim's chest, nibbling, kissing, biting, then licking away the sting. Jim was
trying to keep control, to not lose himself to the sensations. He twined his fingers in the dark curls of his Guide and pulled him up for
another soul scorching kiss. He turned them so that he was now hovering over Blair and smiled wickedly.
"Turn about is fair play, isn't it?" he asked, before running his tongue
from the earlobe of the younger man to the hollow of his throat.
Jim could feel the racing of Blair's heart under his tongue and it was almost enough to make him lose control right there. He slowly regained
control and moved down to the nipples that had been begging for attention. He loved on those dark peaks, reveling in the moans that
came from his lovers mouth. He traveled down the chest, stopping at for a moment to dip his tongue in Blair navel, again reveling in the moans
that caused. He felt Blair's erection brush against his cheek and turned his head so that his lips were on it, tracing the veins with the tip of his tongue, feeling
the blood race through. He tasted the saltiness of the moistened tip and couldn't resist the urge to engulf the entire length in his mouth.
"Jim...." Blair was having problems speaking. But he wanted to take care of Jim. "Jim.. Oh god that feels so good....Jim."
Jim slowly turned and laid on top of Blair. He covered his face with
heated kisses and felt their erections rubbing up together. Blair
began moaning and thrusting and Jim lost himself. He felt Blair lose control and he followed close behind, screaming his lover's name.
"Did you mean what you said? About being in love with me?"
"Blair, I will love you till I die....and maybe beyond that. Yes I meant what I said. Why?"
"I guess I just wanted to make sure."
"Feel Better now?"
"Chief, I would love to chat, but I haven't gotten any sleep this week
and neither have you. Whatever it is can wait. Right now I just
want to fall asleep with you in my arms. And when I wake up I want to cover you with kisses and love you some more. You don't have a problem
with that, do you?"
"You're not going to let me sleep until you say this, are you?"
"What do you want to say."
"I love you, too." Blair said, before nodding off to sleep.
"I know baby, I know."