Title: Killing Me Softly

Author/pseudonym: JadeRyan

Email address: jaderyan@geocities.com

Rating: PG

Pairings: J/B

Status: Complete

Date: 9-11-98

Archive:Yes to both Merry and Michelle

Archive author: JadeRyan

Archive email address: jaderyan@geocities.com

Series/Sequel: who knows (depends on feedback and my general mood)

Other website: http://members.tripod.com/~JadeRyan


They belong to Pet Fly. They donít belong to me. Iím just borrowing them for a bit. I promise to

return them in better condition then they were in when I got them.

Lyrics are from Roberta FlackÖ.songís not mineÖ..yadda, yadda


I blame this totally on Francesca. If she hadnít written her Tahiti PWP, then I wouldnít have had to

send her a LoC and I wouldnít have had this song run through my head and then the boys wouldnít

have started yammering at me. See, itís not my fault. **G**

This hasnít been betaíd so any goofs are mineÖ.ran it through a standard spell check but thatís it.

all song lyrics are between the //

Summary: Jim realizes some fundamental truths in his life.

Warnings:Ö.umÖ.none..I think.



He looked over at his partner. Blair was already grinning like he knew some great cosmic secret but

wasnít going to share. Jim wondered again why he had agreed to come with Blair to see one of his

fellow TAís sing. The bar they were at was dark, gloomy, and full of people. Not exactly how

Jim had planned to spend his night off. Blair caught him looking at him and smiled, raising his

eyebrows at the same time.

"Pretty cool, huh?"

"If you say so, Chief. So whatís with you and this girl?"

"Nothing, man. I swear. Sheís just a friend from the U. She asked me to be here. I guess itís for

moral support. I canít wait to hear her."

Jim was saved from further comment by the band arriving on stage. He looked over and saw a

group of four men and one woman, all dressed like a band of refugeeís from a mutated grunge

convention. The girl wasnít bad. Looked to be about twenty-one with short red hair, with purple

lipstick on. She smiled and waved to the crowd of noisy patrons.

"Hey! How yíall doin tonight?" she asked with slow Southern drawl. "My name is Raina and

these goofballs are my band. Well, actually they are just a group of guys that happen to make me

sound better then average. But donít let them get to cocky about it, aíight? This is my first public

appearance, so be kind." She laughed a bit nervously. "Okay this first song is an oldie, from

Roberta Flack that my momma used to play in the car every Sunday evening on the way home from

church. I know, I know. Momma always was a bit unconventional."

She stepped back a few steps and let her bandmates begin the song. She raised her hand to hold

the mic and began to sing in a clear, low voice.

//I heard he sang a good song

I heard he had a style

And so I came to see him

To listen for a while

And there he was this young boy

A stranger to my eyes//

Jim glanced over at Blair who was listening to her as though he were already in a trance. Jim

couldnít help but think that this song fit. Somehow. And what was with this feeling he had? All

of a sudden it felt as though this was a story of his life. He couldnít figure it out.

//Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song//


Jim felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He had heard this song before and it had never

had this effect on him. He got it now. It was Blair. This was how he felt when he looked, really

looked at his Guide. What the hell did this mean?


//I felt all flushed with fever

Embarrassed by the crowd

I felt he found my letters

And read each one out loud

I prayed that he would finish

But he just kept right on//


Blair never let him get away with much. Not a whole lot of denial allowed whenever he was

around. Oh sure, it was never for a lack of trying on Jimís part. But eventually Blair managed to

coax the whole story out of him. Occasionally, Jim wished for his Pre-Blair life back, when he

could just ignore all the unpleasant things in him life. And then he realized how alone he had been.

That this unbelievably ornery, and frequently annoying, neo-hippie witch doctor punk had somehow

brought some meaning into his life. And, yes, he had brought happiness too.

//Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song//


Blair was amazed. He hadnít known that Raina was that good. And the song was beautiful. He

over at Jim, who seemed to be staring at him from under hooded lids. Blair waved a hand in front

of Jimís face.

"HeyÖJim? Earth to Jim?" No response. Blair felt his stress levels rise just a bit. Zone?

"Jim. Hey come on, big guy. This is so not the place for this."

"Relax, Sandburg. I was just thinking."

"Well do me a favor, next time you want to search for the meaning of life, at least answer a guy

when heís talking to you."

"Sorry about that, Chief. Guess I kind of got lost in that song."

Blair looked at his partner speculatively. Maybe Jim was just enjoying the music. Blair couldnít

shake the feeling that there was something more. He stared harder at Jim, trying to fathom the older

manís thoughts. Seeing nothing he could put his finger on, he gave up. For now.

"Yeah, isnít she great. I had no idea she was this good. And that song. It sent shivers up my

spine. I wonder why she picked that song. Maybe someone she knew."


"Jim, are you sure you are okay?" the Guideís voice had the barest hint of concern.

Jim smiled at Blair. "Iím fine, Chief. Now be quiet so we can listen to the rest of the set."


Blair couldnít help but fidget the whole way home. Something was up. Jim hadnít said more then

two words to him the entire way home. And he kept looking at him strangely. Not that Blair

minded the attention. He just wished that if Jim was going to be staring at him that he not do it as

though Blair might have a wad of spinach stuck in his teeth. He shrugged to himself. He had come

to realize that there were just some things that he couldnít reach Jim on. Obviously this was one of

those things.

They finally arrived at the loft and Blair jumped out of the truck. This was getting just to weird for

him. He hated when he felt like he couldnít reach his partner.

They rode the elevator in silence. Blair was dying. Or at least he thought so. This not knowing

what was going on was making him a bit nuts. The doors opened and they walked towards the

front door, with Blair digging out his keys.

Jim stood behind him, watching. He had been doing that for the past two hours. And he knew

that it was getting on his Guideís nerves, but he couldnít help it. He was beginning to realize some

fundamental truths in his life, the majority of which were centered around Blair. Realizing these

truths didnít make his life any easier and he wondered how long he would be able to hold off his

friendís questioning.

It turned out to be about half an hour. Blair had excused himself to take a shower and change. Jim

used the time to get a beer out of the fridge and stand out on the balcony to collect his random

thoughts. Somewhere along the line, he had fallen in love with his partner. Didnít know how,

didnít really care at this point. The fact that he had was strange concept for him to deal with. He

had always thought that he was a "Man." A big, bad cop. Certainly not the kind of guy who falls

head over heels in love with his very male partner/roommate. But the fact that he had, meant that

Jim wasnít what Carolyn had said he was. Cold, unfeeling. He was capable of love. It just

hadnít been with her. He had an idea of what the ramifications would be if he told Blair what he

felt. And on the off chance that Blair returned the feelings, what they would have to go through at

work and in life in general. Would it be worth it? He sighed. That was a no-brainer. Of course

it would be worth it. If Blair returned his feelings. And if he didnít. Jim just hoped that Blair

would still be able to accept Jim as his friend.

He didnít hear Blair get out of the shower. Or get dressed. Or walk out to join him on the

balcony. He did, however, hear him once he started to talk nonstop at Jim.

"Okay this is it. Either you tell me what is going on here or IíllÖ well I donít know. I canít

believe this. We go and spend what I thought was an enjoyable evening and then you pull this

strong silent crap on me and wonít tell me what is going on. Dammit Jim, I am supposed to be

your friend. And your Guide. How the hell am I supposed to help you if you wonít let me in on

what is going on?"

Jim tried not to smile at his exasperated partner. "Calm down, Sandburg. There is nothing going

on. Nothing is wrong. Iíve just been thinking about some things."

"What things?"

Jim sighed. He knew that he had to tell him. And face the consequences. "About us."


"I realized tonight that Carolyn was wrong about me."

"Jim, come on. Carolyn was wrong about a lot of things. This shouldnít be news to you."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chief. But what I meant was she was wrong when she told me

that I was incapable of loving anyone." He looked over at Blair to see his reaction. For a split

second he thought he saw a look of pain settle behind the blue eyes. But then it was gone.

"You think you have found Ms. Right?" Blair asked, keeping his voice as neutral as he could.

"Not exactly. Itís not Ms. Right. Itís Mr. Right."

"What?" Blair looked as thought he had just been banged upside the head with a cast iron skillet.

"I realized tonight that I am in love. I donít know how or why or whenÖ."

Blair couldnít hear anything else. Jim was in love. With a guy. But not him. He never got the

courage to tell him how he felt and now it was too late.

Jim shook his shoulder. "Chief?"

"Hmm? Iím sorry Jim. I didnít hear what you were saying."

"I said that somewhere along the line I feel hard for this wonderful, endearing, annoying, sexy,

beautiful, intelligent grad student who managed to turn a week stay into a three year partnership and

gave my life away from the office some meaning."

Blair nodded silently, the words not registering. Then they did. "What? What did you say?"

"Iím trying to tell you that I love you, Chief. That I am in love with you. You donít seem to be all

that interested in hearing this. If I have upset you, Iím Ö."

Blair quickly placed a finger over Jimís lips. "Two things, Ellison. One, I love you too, so quit

with this attempt at an apology. Two, if you donít get over here and kiss me, I will have no other

choice but to throw you off this damn balcony. Got it?"

"Got it." Jim leaned in and cupped Blairís face with his hands. He knew that if he were

dreaming, that this was the dream to end all and he could very well die a fairly happy man. Blair

had said that he loved him. He bent down and touched Blairís lips with his own. And for the

slimmest shred of time, the world stopped, tilted, and then resumed spinning. And he went along

for the ride, tasting his partners lips. In the back of his mind a voice marveled at the fact that there

must be a God somewhere and miracles of miracle, he was in a good mood.

After they both came up for air, Jim looked over at Blair and smiled.

"You really think you can get me over the top of this balcony, eh Chief?"

"Sweetheart, properly motivated, I can make the earth stop spinning."

"Sweetheart? I think I can handle that one. You know what else? You already did."


//He sang as if he knew me

In all my dark despair

And then he looked right through me

As if I wasnít there

But he was there this stranger

Singing clear and strong

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song//





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